The Different Kinds of Family Conflict and The Emotional Impact (Toxic Family)

In dealing with toxic traits, I started recognising some within myself too.  I took a step back and against my own will – or even nafs – a mental self-awareness came into check.  I started to see all the times I had been wrong.  A sense of shame crawled up and I found myself not liking who I was or had been. 

It’s so easy to pinpoint toxicity in others, but when we notice this trait, pause and do an audit on yourself; did we notice it because we have recognised the same within us?

I recently started noticing things in my own immediate family circle that I absolutely abhorred and it clouded how I saw the other person and my behaviour towards them.  It also left me shaken because I was certain they had lied to me.  I forgot to follow through on my own advice; what can I change and what can I control?  It impacted me more than I liked to admit.  It took me a few weeks to centre myself and find myself again.  I saw the wisdom behind what I went through too as I learnt mature boundaries and was able to better help my clients.  In the work of an Aafiyah Practitioner, a client is never a chance encounter.  Everyone comes with a message.

How to Recognise Toxic Family Members

• They’re abusive; this is the obvious one.  When a family member is clearly abusive; physically, emotionally and verbally, we know straight away that they are toxic.
• They’re always criticising or blaming you.
• You feel on edge or anxious around them.  After meeting with them, you are irritated and depressed.
• Their behaviour is unpredictable or the environment is unpredictable.
• They have good and bad episodes; e.g. one minute they’re amazingly loving and the next they’re spiteful and manipulative.  You don’t know whether you’re coming or going with them.
• Dismissive of your needs.
• They’re controlling
• Always trying to outdo you

It's important to distinguish between being toxic and acting toxic.  Being toxic is where it’s ingrained in our behaviour and someone actively enjoys hurting others.  Acting toxic is an aspect of our behaviour; e.g. we can be good generally but when confronted we may give someone the silent treatment or become defensive or manipulative.  Someone who is acting toxic can normally identify that they’re behaving this way, whereas someone who is toxic will not change even when recognising that their behaviour is detrimental to their family.

Before responding to toxic family in a healthy way which is aligned with our faith it is important to seek support via therapy, counselling or a helping relationship.  This is because this kind of support helps you love you, practise self-compassion and kindness.  It helps you to recognise why you are the way you are and equip you with knowledge and tools to change and respond differently.  Because if you keep doing the same thing, you’ll get the same result.  This is when I hear the terms ‘It’s a cycle,’ with my clients, or ‘it’s like I’m on repeat,’ ‘it’s the same thing day in and out.’    

Once you’ve had a few sessions of therapy or wellbeing sessions, or support, you’ll be in a better headspace to implement the following:

(Please note the following are NOT applicable to physical and sexual abuse situations.  In these situations, there is only one thing which is to speak to a trusted authority and be removed from the situation.)

• Identify what your personal boundaries are
• Implement the boundaries
• Disengage from the toxic environment.  I understand this isn’t always easy especially if you live with someone acting toxic, so maintain an emotional and mental boundary.  This is not giving them airtime and whilst it is a very difficult thing to implement, it is not impossible.  If you struggle setting mental boundaries, start with an ‘I statement.’  This is when you note down how you feel.  E.g. I feel upset when you criticise me because I know I’ve tried my best.  What I need is space from your voice to see my worth.  When you recognise what you need, you are in a better position to give yourself it.
• Remember that irrespective of how the conversation goes, you can only control your own actions, emotions and feelings.  So when they lash out, up your self-care and focus on caring for your own wellbeing.
• Empower yourself. I had been vulnerable and regardless of how much I progressed in work or personal life, my siblings often saw me as a victim and treated me as such.  One day I told myself ‘I’m not a victim, I can own my situation.’  When my siblings attempted to undermine me, saying I wouldn’t have the capacity to deal with certain situations, I would immediately feel low.  The next time, however, I said, ‘I’ll give this a go, if it doesn’t work, at least I’ve tried.’  Suffice to say, I’ve used that line ever since and I have found that I don’t pay attention to their criticisms and that I focus on my own input.  In fact, either I’m not noticing their statements or they have actually stopped.
• Acceptance.  Lastly, the hard truth is that change is not always possible in a family and so this is why 1. You may have adopted some toxic traits to survive living in that environment and 2. They won’t change so you just work on yourself to become more accepting and secure within yourself.  Remember that toxic people are the most insecure people and have a false sense of importance and grandiose and this is where you learn most about yourself too.  Having a toxic trait is different to being toxic.  When you know who you are you can actively seek to be the change you want to be.  And when you know what you’re dealing with when it comes to family, you are better prepared, physically, mentally and emotionally. 

Another important thing is that if you are in a toxic environment, and you cannot remove yourself unless as a last resort, e.g. it’s a parent or a sibling you live with or partner, or that you have family that you have to visit, e.g. in laws, here’s something you can practise when around them:

CORDIAL CONTACT: Don’t be too self-revealing; be superficial, reserved and positive around these people and keep the conversation limited to them.  They love speaking about themselves so give them just that.

LOW CONTACT: You choose to see them only at large family gatherings or when necessary.  However, with this, they may sense you’re pulling away and try their best to come back into your life.  They do not respect your need for space and try to up their controlling or spiteful ways.  When they sense they can no longer get to you, they may cut all ties.

NO CONTACT: whilst Islam does advise to maintain ties of kinship, the Prophet SAW also advised that if something disturbs the peace of your heart then remove it.  This is after you have explored all avenues.  And whilst liberating, it is incredibly painful because we know that we also held love for our family because at the end of everything, they are still family.  And so, this is where self-reflection, work and therapy can make a massive impact.  I would always recommend seeking a support system before going no contact.  You may learn how to cope with a degree of acceptance.  When you extricate yourself from toxic, you may have been imprinted with the high-low of their mood swings and so you’re expecting that and unless you heal from it, you will subconsciously keep seeking the same pattern that held you comfortably hostage in that toxic environment.

Some good tools to help you with your mindfulness and self-care:

• EFT
• Journaling
• Affirmations
• Thought audits daily

Remember that help is available.  For faith aligned wellbeing please check out the Aafiyah Practitioners at www.aafiyahhealing.com