Navigating Children Through Separation, Divorce & Alienation

Recently at my practise I had a mother bring in a very hostile 7 year old; he spat, scratched and kicked.

We worked on his anger; I asked mum to engage in some EFT to calm herself. The vitriol being spewed by the child was extreme:

‘You are the nasty person who broke our family up.’

‘I’m angry because Daddy can’t stay because you threw him out.’

I have worked with the family for just over a year and when I first met the child, he was bubbly, confident and innocent. Our most recent session, reflected a child who had been exposed to adult themes and conversations and a very angry, confused young individual who did not have -quite rightly so- the ability to navigate the weight of adult issues.

It was soon brought to light that his father, who had recently been evicted from the family home due to his gambling and alcohol problems, was projecting their hostility towards mum onto their child. The divorce had not been sudden- the boy had been aware that he would now have two homes. Mum had kept the child in the know and with my help had had age appropriate conversations.

Unfortunately, the father had also reached out for sessions stating he could not stay amicable with the mum as he was angry that she had applied for the divorce without giving the marriage a chance. The boy – hearing the negativity, direct and indirectly- aligned himself with the parent who he loved the most. His father.

I advised father that these adult conversations and projection of his negativity was going to affect his child and to continue working amicably with mum. A few months later, the mum reached out saying her son was so far gone in his negativity that she was giving up and handing full responsibility to the hostile ex.

UK law automatically gives preference to a mother- in most cases, unless the mother is deemed unfit or there would be detriment to the child in her care. This couple stayed away from the family court system which would be positive normally as it means there is no strange professional in your child’s life and no clinical contact setting. Contact is agreed on amicably normally between parents. 

In this case the father was engaging in gambling and drinking whilst his son was in his care and asking the child to lie to his mum when contact was over regarding said addictions. He was also, whether intentionally is still uncertain, speaking ill of the mother and exposing the child to adult issues that could have been delivered in a more age appropriate manner. It soon became clear that the child saw the father as a victim and the mother as the villain hence the child’s hostility towards mum. 

I asked both mum and child to look at each other meaningfully and asked the mum then to go through a time line of the divorce – what instigated it and how it had happened and how contact was on father’s terms including pick up times. Since the boy believed his father was coming late or not at all because ‘mum stopped my dad from seeing me.’ 

How did I know the mum wasn’t stopping contact and there was no alienation going on from mum’s side? Because the child saw no wrong in his father’s absence or behaviour and held a campaign of denigration against just the mum. Anything from the wrong colouring book to a change in mood was the mum’s fault. 

As she explained the divorce to the child, with gentle guidance from me, we broke the events leading to that session, in very simple yet positive language. 

‘Mummy and Daddy loved each other a lot but Daddy has a few things he needs to sort out and Mummy could not stay with Daddy whilst he sorted this. We will always be friends and try and work together for your sake- we love you more than we have shown and I am sorry if one or both of us have made this separation difficult. Mummy wants Daddy around more for you, but Daddy won’t be able to come as much as we both like. I know it hurts you and I’m sorry you’re going through this.’

It took a few minutes and then the boy burst into tears saying he was hurting a lot – he held his stomach and rubbed his chest- a sign that he is worried and grieving. We wrote a letter to his Daddy explaining that it would help if he did not speak negatively against Mum. I also asked mum to not take everything her child said personally and to work with the emotion rather than what was being said. So if the child said he was angry at mum for taking dad away, then to apologise for the anger so the child felt validated. When the child was more receptive, eg bedtime, then to go through the reason they were angry and gently challenge them. This encourages critical thinking and teaches them not to take everything the hostile parent says as gospel. 

I am not an advocate for the family court system- I have seen what alienation and family courts have done to families and mainly children. It should be a last resort, but in this case, with the father teaching the child to hold a campaign of denigration against the neutral parent, and also the hostility displayed by both the child and ex towards mum, I advised the mum that maybe supervised contact might help so the father is aware of legal boundaries should he take his child to a gambling environment or drink in the child’s presence or speak negatively about her. 

The mum was reluctant to put herself through these costs and so she said age appropriate conversations would be more useful. We went through everything step by step.  

Here are some tips for age appropriate conversations when navigating divorce/separation and conflict:

• apologise for the way the child is feeling.
• don’t start with ‘that’s not true.’ The child will feel like they are being called a liar or that you are being deceitful.
• if they are angry or overly hostile, give them thinking and breathing space.
• give an example to encourage them to see things objectively, eg: my friend said I’m a bad person because I did this, do you think it makes me a bad person or do you think I’m good but I made a mistake?
• avoid speaking negatively about the toxic ex.
• you may need to let go of certain things when it comes to the ex. Do not confront but do use phrases such as ‘maybe some joint therapy will be good to see where we can help contact go smoothly.’
• pick your battles daily. If your child is swinging between hostility and normalcy, then they are torn between loving you and believing the toxic ex. So, if it’s minor, eg finishing their meals and they don’t want to ‘because daddy or mummy the cooler parent allows them to leave veg,’ then ask yourself if you want to win this battle for the sake of control or for the best interests of your child.
• use simple words and don’t let your emotions become water for your sponge like child to absorb. 
• stay neutral. Your child is already entering ‘survival mode’ by witnessing their own emotional abuse, so every time you are the safe parent, you send a message of unconditional love and stability to your child.
• when the other parent is absent, and the anger is pointed at you, ask the child how they are feeling and then show that you’re sorry. ‘I am sorry Dad isn’t here, and that you blame me. I have sent him a message to let him know you’re hurt. Can I try my best to make it up to you?’ This shows the child that not only have you tried, but sets the doubt in the head when the toxic parent attempts to put the blame on you.

As the child grows and they may still have a negative image of you, keep staying patient and encourage the critical thinking stage. It is tough but well worth it when you minimise the impact. 

A few books I encourage you to read should you be going through a difficult time:

(Almost) Anything but the Family Courts by Jo O’Sullivan

Co Parenting with a Toxic Ex by Amy J Baker, Paul R Fine

Hold on to Your Children by Dr Gabor Mate

Five Love Languages of Children by Dr Gary Chapman

I also highly recommend seeking therapy, whether it is faith aligned therapy or counselling, but go to someone who understands toxic abuse and see how you can best navigate through this and still emerge strong.

May Allah SWT grant ease in keeping our ammaanah sane and safe, ameen.